( Originally wrote this on date of 29/03/2021 - Posting here today)

As a Student of engineering, I though kee – कैलकुलेटर से सारे  हिसाब हो जाते है. But I was wrong. The calculator,  even a scientific calculator cannot do the all calculations. A 7-year long journey came to end recently and I was trying to do calculations about -क्या खोया क्या पाया? But The calculator doesn’t help here.

What I have lost is a very long list, in fact, a list of infinite. Furthermore, I am not an optimistic person so this list scares me more than others. So, here I would like to write about what I gain rather than what I am lost.

Atheist – The Origin of My name itself linked to a very famous religious institution based in Haridwar. I born and grow up in a totally religious ambiance. But this long journey of failures turns me deeply religious to an atheist person. Buddha spends 6 years in search of God and I spend 6 UPSC CSE attempts to conclude that such an entity does not exist. For the common man, the whole life falls short on the questions about the existence of God. Isn’t it a big advantage that I concluded this question very early in life? My mother used to keep fast on Sunday for the last 20 years for the well being of the family. Due to a health issue, she stopped fasting a few years back. But for a better result of mine, she once again started fasting on Tuesday and Ironically the result was announced on Tuesday and I failed. After this, does any certificate need to certify that no almighty exists in this world?

Morally free – During this long tiring journey, only a few – less than half of a dozen people stand with my failures. Society at large gives only insult and ignorance. So, this makes me free of all types of moral pressure. Those who passed the exam will have immense moral pressure to perform and serve people. But I feel no such moral pressure. I have no moral pressure to give bread to those who are starving, in fact, I will not hesitate to snatch the bread from the person who is starving. Society can not and should not expect equal morality from all people. Can society expect the same morality from two different people/conditions - A Prime minister Born with a silver spoon and A PM born in the home of the tea seller? The second one faced insult and disrespect from society for the whole part of his life. What he takes from society, he gives back to society. This is a simple formula. 

Know the system – “System” is an almighty monster which is created by the Human beings especially in Developing country like India. In A country like India, a person who says “I know the system” is best suited for any type of job whether it is a teacher, Engineer, or doctor. In-country like ours, Knowledge of a system is more important than Knowledge or skill of your field. This long journey teaches me how the system works. I know what happens in the Rafel deal, I know why Aadhar is introduced, I know how the media works, I know how the Budget is the annual exercise to deceive the citizens, I know how the SYSTEM works!

Met people having the same frequency  – 7 years is a very long time and especially of the 20s of the individual. A Common Person in their 20s passed college and joined work where S/he meets 100s of people in 7 years. But I have met only a few, less than 10 in these years. But Whom I came to know is special, In fact very very special people. It is said that there are 7 people having the same face in this world but it is rare that two-person have the same nature/Personality.  I met a person having the same nature as My mother. I can talk with her on any issue as comfortably as I can only talk with my mother. The second whom I met due to this journey is Ramon Magsaysay awardee, A famous Media person. From Him I learn about – Endurance! In this world of 7 billion, Isn’t it great to find 2-3 the person whose thought process is the same as yours? Most of all know but don’t recognize that – having the company of such a person who thinks like you gives more comfort to an individual than any 7-star hotel facilities can give.

Regret – The burden of failure is heavier than in the Himalayas. I know this fact. But I learned that the burden of Regret and guilt is heavier than the burden of failure. I failed but have no regret as I give 100%, my best to get success. Without giving a second thought to any, I give my 100% to one thing. So I will never face the situation of " What if.....". I chose to keep myself away from the mentally tiring thinking of "What if...". "What if I didn't take the job and read more seriously", "What if I didn't do MBA and gave more time to UPSC" etc. 

This is a note to me. It is says that memory fades away with time but not words. I want to write down things that are part of my current thought process. Circumstances change our thought process. I feel that I am standing on the road to nowhere. Waiting to see where this journey takes me. I write down things as I need to evaluate myself when circumstances change.